Spy, Traitor, Death Eater
by Douglas14
Summary: Sirius and Remus both find their respective diaries. They think over what has led them up to this point, the point where they hardly trust each other anymore.   PRE Voldy's Defeat. Slash, RLSB, Language, Sexual references ect ect.
1. Is this your revenge?

**A/N: Uh yeah so reading through some Remus/Sirius Pre-Voldy's Downfall, where Sirius and Remus each became distrustful of each other, and this is my take on it and their previous relationship – enjoy :)**

**Spy, Traitor, Death Eater**

**Chapter 1 – Is this your revenge? (Sirius POV)**

I know I did wrong. After we started dating in sixth year, I betrayed you in a way we all thought we never could.

Christmas, we got together. By Easter, you wouldn't even look at me.

I told Snape how to get past the Willow.

And by doing so, I not only broke your heart, but mine as well.

I was selfish, I know. But in my fucked-up mind, I was protecting you.

It broke my heart. To see you working yourself to the bone, quietly miserable.

James and Peter had stopped talking to me, so I didn't have the Map or the Cloak. But I didn't need them. You were always in the library.

With James and Lily.

I think the only slight good thing of our separation was those two. Finally - Only took them near seven years.

By the next year they were together, yet we still weren't.

By seventh year, you could only _just_ look at me. But for the few seconds you did, I could see the hurt, that deep, soul-crushing hurt. Laced with unforgivable anger.

By that Christmas we were speaking. It wasn't enough for me, but I was just happy to be able to hear you say my name.

We both went to our respective homes that Christmas, unable to bear the memories.

Lily, Sweet Lily, in the hopes of getting us back together had stuck enchanted mistletoe over our heads – do you remember? You destroyed it with fire and didn't speak to Lily for the rest of the week.

It would have been our anniversary on Christmas Eve. But instead, when the list for those going home went up in the common room, your name was first on the list. You left back to Abergavenny in Wales. I went with James and Lily back to the Potter's in Bath.

We were so near. Yet so far apart.

On the train ride to London, you didn't sit with any of us. You instead sat with some Ravenclaws. Near that "guy" called Cabot, I think. Tim Cabot. By the time we had reached London, I wanted to haul him onto the platform and slug him.

He was flirting with you. Did you even notice?

By the time we were back at school, you seemed a changed person. You talked and smiled with us. _Smiled_! You even smiled at me!

By our N.E., the Marauders were back and better than ever! Our only rift was your _meetings_ with Cabot and that Hufflepuff, McLaggen or something-or-other.

Lily and James were obviously going to live together. Lily was in training to be a Healer! Can you remember her reaction when she found out that James was going to be an Auror though? I bet you can't. With me, you raged on and on about how it was too dangerous.

I thought, mistakenly, that you were jealous. I was wrong. You were worried for me.

I thought you were jealous that I had it all practically. Training for _the_ dream job, money, a home. Everything I could ever want. That _you_ could ever want.

Your parents died in an attack by Greyback and my lovely cousin Bellatrix. They left you barely two knuts to rub together. They had spent their massive fortune on trying to find a cure. They didn't.

Though you did get the old Lupin Manor, you left it, trying to get a job in "Old London Town". You couldn't. And while you were looking you needed a home.

You must be wondering why I can remember all this.

I found my journal last night. That one you gave to me, the day we got together.

It ended when you moved in.

**A/N: Yes, No, Maybe so? Once again, a fic written within an hour. Yet another O.o story by me. But I'm happy enough to post it. Oh yeah you might notice like near zilch mentionings of Peter. I'm just leaving him to do whatever the hell he likes.  
>But this won't continue without reviews (not subtle blackmail at <strong>_**all**_**), though I do have ideas on how to continue this. So yeah Review if you liked it! Go on, click the tab! :P**


	2. Why won't you let me close the distance?

**A/N: So yeah too many stories all at once! Damn you Writers block. And damn the school system since now I'm back at school for 2****nd**** semester. FML. Also it seems I've discovered the italics button (Y) fun fun. So warning time... um so language, small mentions of lemon etc etc. Whatever you can expect from an M Sirius/Remus story (or is that just me?)**

**Spy, Traitor, Death Eater – Why won't you let me close the distance? (Remus POV)**

Did you finally realise that you may have made a mistake? That I wasn't worth coming back to now?

You betrayed me in 6th year, after we became lovers. And yet I let you come back crawling to me.

Albeit after near a year, but I let you back into my heart and my bed once again.

I don't think I can even describe the _hurt_ I felt after you sold me out to Snape. He and I had been friendly towards each other. We were secretly potions partners. Did you find out? Is that why you decided to betray me? No matter what you think I've never forgiven you for that.

I struck my revenge by my stress relievers. In both the holidays and school term I hooked up with either Artie McLaggen or Tim Cabot. I know you hated it, but I hated it too. They weren't _you_.

But I needed to get rid of my sexual tension somehow. I don't think that you would have appreciated me shagging you in the Great Hall all of a sudden before Full Moon. Even if you were so desperate to get me back, you were still Sirius Black, Womaniser Extraordinaire.

And then we graduated. My parents had been killed during term and had left me with nothing but the old Manor back in Wales. I wanted to be in London. I _needed_ to be in London. Dumbledore had recruited us to the Order and it was crucial that I was on the scene.

Lily and James moved in together, with Lily off to be a Healer and James to be an Auror along with you. Our argument that night in the common room when we found out you'd both been accepted had been explosive. You accused me of being jealous. Jealous that I would never get a good job like you did, since of my _problem_.

The argument ended with me bursting into tears (much to my shame) and running up to our dorm room. It was when Lily followed that I confided in her of all that had happened, all that she suspected. That argument had cemented Lily's and my friendship.

But I was forced to move in with you, when I couldn't find a job.

It upset me in two ways. One, that I would not be able to pay rent to you and seemingly had to rely on you for money. And two, I had to live with you.

I knew you had ambitions for a bachelor pad. I know _you_ Padfoot. And I ruined that plan. You could have hated me for that. But you (amazingly, surprisingly) didn't. You welcomed me with open arms and that lazy grin of yours. That smile that I had fallen in love with.

It might have been the worst decision of my life, but I loved it all the same. Just us two living together. Sometimes it felt as though we were the only two people in the world. That one night you came home drunk from the brothel changed it all though. You were drunk and I took advantage.

I was just so lonely. I wanted what I couldn't have and took what I shouldn't have taken.

When we were together, it was always you fucking me. You always took me. Never did I have you. You said you weren't prepared for that kind of sex. And I, being as gay as you could get, took it up the arse like the good little prefect that I was. But no more.

You were drunk, barely coherent and driving us both crazy with love, desire and lust.

That night you begged me to fuck you. To fuck you like a man. And so I did. And you loved it. You completely and utterly adored it. The next morning when I fled to the shower after having tried to apologise, you followed me and shagged me senseless in the shower. So we started a pattern. You would come home drunk, I would fuck you and the next morning you would fuck me in the shower before you would leave for Auror training.

It was only until we both came one time, not crying each other's name, but instead "I love you" that we stopped and looked at what had become of us. You stormed out saying you were spending the night at James and Lily's. And I curled up around your pillow and cried my heart out.

You came home the next morning with such a smile on your face, and greeted me, not with a smile or hello, but a mind-blowing kiss. James and Lily were to be married. You were to be best man. You suggested we stop being fuck-buddies and become lovers once more. I made the stupid decision of agreeing.

At the reception of the Potter's wedding, which happened to take place at my manor in Wales, we danced underneath the stars. It was then you pulled me towards the forest and knelt down in front of me. I started to cry when I realised what was happening. You asked me to marry you. I said yes without hesitation. Should I have hesitated?

We moved out of your flat and into a little house in Chiswick. I was so happy. I had a home, I had gotten a job, and I had you. We married in the summer, not two months after you asked me. Were we too hasty?

Harry was born on our anniversary. You were named God-father. I wasn't jealous or anything. Lily later confided in me that I was basically male God-mother. I felt sorry for the kid. James as his father and with you as his god-father, he was in for a hell of a ride.

Are you upset that I cannot give you children? Are you upset with me because I am male? Are you only just realising what you have done, what you have chosen? But with your distance with me opening more and more, why won't you let me get close to close the distance?

**A/N: Back again. Now I know I said in my first chapter that I can't be bothered with Peter. Yeah well in a chapter or so you'll get a mention, the sly git. Sorry. I know Remus seems a bit oblivious and house-wifey, and there's like little to no mentions of his lycanthropy (sorry!). But just casually, in my world (where everyone is a pony and we all eat rainbows and poop butterflies – sorry couldn't resist! Maturity points to me), Male werewolves can get pregnant (or their partners, but Remus doesn't know that :D) and werewolves aren't affected by silver (because that's just stupid). Anyways, click the blue tab?**


	3. How could you?

**A/N: Somehow Remus is much easier to write at the moment, so I really struggled with this chappie. Anyways I've decided on only 6 chapters (for the moment, don't be surprised if I change my mind), because I think otherwise I'd go mad with having to keep writing Sirius's POV. I'm really sorry for the length of this chapter.**

**Chapter 3 - How could you? (Sirius POV)**

Is it because of what I did, all those short years ago? Or is it because of what you are? Is it the benefit's you've been offered?

I know Dumbledore sent you on a mission, but whenever I ask you about it, you seem to shut down and back off. Why is that?

You seem to be having more nightmares now. And I hate not being able to help you through them. I cannot, _will_ not, help a traitor. Though I cannot love you for who you have turned into, I cannot help but worry.

You were my closest friend, my confidante, my boyfriend, my lover, my _husband_.

Did you just marry me because I asked? Because I was there? Because I _loved_ you?

Had you already turned by then?

I don't know how I can put up with you for much longer. You with your perfect acting.

You acting oblivious. Kind, happy (as anyone could be in the present climate), tolerant, gentle, good natured.

Are you finally getting back at the world for its prejudice? You _know_ we never judged you! Do you think we still would have stayed friends with you if we did? Do you think we would have become illegal animagus for you if we did?

Your failing is that you like to be liked. That's where you slip up —you've been disliked so often that you're always pleased to have friends so you cut them an awful lot of slack.

I nearly killed Peter when he first suggested that it was _you_ that was the traitor. You, my precious Remus, my lovely Moony, a traitor? No! That was not possible.

But then Peter said to look for the signs. And I found them.

Though you may not have the Mark, you still make it seem true. Especially since those new anti-werewolf laws came out.

The whole order knows of the new laws, how could they not when they were front page news? So as such, they all suspect you.

You once told me that you would never turn, no matter what you were offered. Liar.

How could you?

How could you do this to the order?

To Prongs, Evans and Harry?

To _me_?

**A/N: Wow that was hard! This really needs to be Beta'd :/ Anyways I'm not too impressed with myself since I finished writing chapter 4 before I even **_**tried**_** with this chapter. If my writers block comes back I'm going to shoot something (preferably David Yates). But for now I'm off to play HPDH pt 2 :D :D :D**


	4. Why so cold love?

**A/N: Now I know I said I had this finished before my last chapter, but I just haven't had time to upload this until now. As usual disclaimer, and look out for some "sexual references", naughty words and Peter. (Anyone like to explain why I wrote that down thinking of the Terminator's voice?) And yes Wormtail deserves a whole warning to himself, the slick git.**

**Chapter 4 - Why so cold love? (Remus POV)**

Why are you so distant with me love? What have I done wrong?

I know something is wrong, no matter how much you deny it. I can tell when you lie, I know you better than perhaps you know yourself.

I know the war is stressful and that it worries you to think of James, Lily and Harry having to be in hiding, but even then it seems you're spending more time with James and Peter than _me_.

James has changed – of course he has! He has had to go into hiding to protect his wife and son. But that doesn't mean he doesn't treat me differently. His smiles seem tight around the edges and the smile never seems to meet his eyes anymore. He doesn't even call me Moony anymore. But he acts the same as ever towards you.

Lily, I think, is just trying to cope with it all. She is as warm as ever towards me, always making me feel welcomed. Does she know why you and James are so different towards me?

And Harry. Beautiful young Harry is as innocent as he ever has been. Well as innocent as a child of a Marauder can be. He's happy and healthy and _safe_. That is all I want for him now.

Peter is giving me these little smiles. A sly smirk that I catch out of the corner of my eye, like he knows something that I don't. It worries me.

And you. Sirius, why are you so cold with me now? We don't even make love anymore. We fuck, yes, but it seems like you don't love me anymore. You're never there after the full moon. You're never there when I'm just waking up. You had always purred soft endearments as me as I slowly woke in the morning, so that the first sound I would hear was the voice of my lover, my _husband_. It had always made me wake with a smile, wrapped in warm, strong arms, to be greeted with a gentle kiss.

But no more.

Were you ever happy with me, or did you just marry there because I was there and willing?

I love you, but it seems you hate me. Your own fucking _husband_, Padfoot!

Is it because of my mission? That I didn't tell you what I was doing?

Fine. Dumbledore sent me to spy on the werewolves. And not just any werewolf is in charge.

Greyback.

You know how that monster still haunts my dreams. You've helped me through so many of the nightmares of him that I've suffered in the near 16 years since he bit me.

Can you understand why I didn't tell you now? I knew that you would worry for me.

And even now, when Dumbledore looks at me, I don't see that customary twinkle in his eyes. Is he regretting sending me now? I know that a werewolf's mind cannot be read by Legilimens, but this is ridiculous! Does he think I've _turned_?

Gods, do you think so _too_?

Is this why you're all distant?

Pads, if this is true we need to talk.

**A/N: Oh noooo Remus has just figured it out! Yes I know this chapter is short and I apologise. Less words more feeling? Anyways I dunno when the next chappie will be up, (I actually have to figure out what I'm going to put in it – oops.) but to those of you that are waiting on my other story, Waiting For My Baby, gimme a couple of days for me to finish that next chapter yeah? :) Also, yes or no to a companion story in Lily and James' pov?**


	5. Why should I wait my love?

**A/N: Yay nearly done! Though this chapter is kinda short, I hope it gets across to everyone of the _feeling_. Note to self: start on next chapter like now.**

**Chapter 5 – Why should I wait my love? (Sirius POV)**

It's Halloween tonight. Though something's up, something's wrong. Something's going to happen. I know you can feel something's up – of course you would with your wolfy instinct. As I have my dog instinct. You seem almost innocent tonight though – how could you be, you're a backstabbing traitor!

You're home for once, and you seem worried as well. We're suddenly acting like we used to. You came out of the bedroom earlier, standing before me, with tears in your eyes, saying you needed a cuddle. So I opened my arms, and you practically launched yourself into them, sniffling softly.

We sit like that for near two hours, cuddling and softly kissing, just like we used to.

And it's now I think over everything, I finally remember that you are as oblivious as they can come. Could it be you _haven't _turned? Oh _Remus_! How could I have been so stupid? You just seemed the obvious choice, Peter pointed it out. I could have gutted him when he first pointed out those suspicious signs.

But we all believed him! James, me, Dumbledore, perhaps even Lily. Though she was friends with you long before we had even met, she felt we were wrong. She acted the same to you, always so kind and warm, while Prongs and I, we well, we acted like absolute total bastards towards you.

I am _so_ sorry, so very sorry for what I have done and how I have hurt you. You may not ever say anything, but I can now see it in your eyes. Your beautiful blue eyes, and those enchanting amber eyes of your upset wolf.

I stand up suddenly; you blink up at me in surprise. "Where are you going?" you ask.

"James'. Something's not right."

"Sirius." You stand too. "I feel it too, but please, go in the morning when it's safe."

"Why are you trying to keep me from going?" Was my epiphany not real?

"I just want you here with me, safe. We need to talk."

I look at you, smile sadly and lean forward to kiss you gently on your full red lips. "I love you, and I _will_ be back by morning."

As I walked out, little did I know that I would never be back. How I now wish I never went to see the horror that would haunt me until my death.

**A/N: So I can hope you all know what's just going to happen :/ Please don't shoot me! I've been reading over the story and realised how much it's changed (I'm such a twat?). Anyways next up, last chapter! Should I do a sequel? And should I or should I just not even try to do a Lily/James POV companion?**


	6. Why break me?

**A/N: The end is here! It is finished! *small sob* I spent most of my time reading other fanfics trying to do justice to the situation (And I may not have my HP books since they're at my mum's :/). This chapter is dedicated to my Nanny who died yesterday. A big thank you also to my friends who got me through writing this, even when I didn't want to *coughblackmailcough*. So enjoy :)**

**Chapter 6 – Why Break Me? (Remus POV)**

It's November 1st. You still aren't back Padfoot. You said you'd be back by morning! You said we'd talk! Where _are_ you?

Everything was near back to normal last night. We cuddled and you comforted me, as though we were honeymooners again. You tasted like whiskey when you kissed me.

Something felt really off last night. I could feel it. My wolf was hurting me. It was so _painful_. I needed you. And though you comforted me for a while, you _left_ me!

You held me like you used to after my transformations. All that time ago in The Shack. I don't think I've ever felt such pain in my human form before.

A letter from Dumbledore has arrived – I dare not open it. Will it say that the order has discovered my "secret"? Will it say that I am to be tried as a war criminal? A lying traitorous backstabber – everything that I _know_ I am not?

_Please_ Pads, come home! I need you!

When we signed up for the Order, I don't think we understood what we were in for. We were so _young_ and naïve. Now we understand. Will it ever end?

I'm going to open the letter.

* * *

><p><em>Remus,<em>

_I have some bad news. I am not going to dance around to topic, as a fool would._

_It has happened, what we feared._

_There's been an attack Remus…it's Lily and James. I'm afraid, I'm afraid they didn't make it Remus._

_Lily and James are dead, Remus._

_I am so sorry._

_I suppose your only consolation is that Harry lives. Voldemort is gone._

_The Order is to disband, for now. I have a thought that Voldemort may come back some day. You must _live_ Remus!_

_I'm sending Harry to stay with Lily's family. Sirius must not have Harry. Sirius will not be coming back._

_Your last war orders are to stay away from Harry._

_I am sorry._

_Dumbledore_

* * *

><p>Oh <em>gods<em>! How can this have happened?

I cannot stop crying! I can hardly make out my own thoughts – how can this-

This cannot have happened! It can't be true! There must be another Lily and James Potter who lived in Godric's Hollow!

I need you Sirius!

I stand for a while, still, unmoving, staring at the fireplace. And then it hits me, hard: They were gone. James and Lily. Two of the few people who understood me. Harry off to the Muggles.

You were out doing god knows what. I was left alone to discover, through a letter from _Dumbledore_ that you didn't feel the need to come home to me about, that my two best friends were... _dead_.

My body shook with tears; tears that I was unable to let out due to my continually forced calm; the calm I, a werewolf, had always forced myself to live by. The clinking of china could be heard as I tremblingly set down my cup of tea on the coffee table. I need sleep, and I will try to wake tomorrow and find that this is all a nightmare. That the past few months have been a nightmare.

* * *

><p><strong>Evening Prophet, 1<strong>**st**** November 1981**

**Sirius Black to Azkaban**

_Sirius Black, 21 of London, has been sentenced to life in Azkaban after an attack on his best "friends" home on Halloween by You-Know-Who. You-Know-Who attacked Lily and James Potter, both 21 of Godric's Hollow, leaving them dead and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself vanquished after he tried to kill the couple's only child Harry, aged 1. _

_The Potter's had been living under the Fidelius charm after information given by spies poured in that You-Know-Who was after the Potter's. Sirius Black was the Secret Keeper to the Potter's and Godfather to young Harry, or The-Boy-Who-Lived. It is now widely accepted that Black was a Death Eater, betraying his friends to the Dark Lord. _

_But now that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has disappeared it seems that Black tried to dispose of his other friend Peter Pettigrew, 21 of Chiswick, this morning in an attack on his old school friend in Surrey, London. It seems that Peter tried to confront Black over his betrayal of their friends, shouting out to muggle witnesses that Black betrayed them all. Black then shot a curse, blowing up half the street, killing 12 muggles and his old friend. All that has been found of Peter Pettigrew at this time has been his finger._

_Black was captured at the scene, laughing, and put up no resistance. Obliviators were dispatched and all muggle witnesses have been dealt with. Peter Pettigrew has been awarded Order of Merlin, First Class for his heroic confrontation with Black, which has been given to his mother Margaret Pettigrew as some small consolation. Black leaves behind his husband Remus Lupin, 21 of London, who Professor Albus Dumbledore has vouched for and who has asked the press to keep away from in this most trying time._

_The Prophet sends it sincerest sympathies to Mr Lupin, Mrs Pettigrew and young Harry Potter, who have all lost so much over this long weekend. __The Potter's funeral is to be a private affair in Godric's Hollow in the coming weeks._

* * *

><p>No. Not Peter. Surely not Pe-<p>

_Twelve_ muggles? Sirius, what have you done? This cannot be happening! It was bad enough with James and Lily, but now this?

Yesterday I thought this would have just been a nightmare, but now I know it is no nightmare.

It is now my life.

And it's all your fault. All yours. Why? Why did you have to hurt me so much? Why did you have to make me so alone again? Why?

I cannot believe that I never thought to suspect _you_!

You leave me alone again, with no friends, no allies. No money to support myself. I don't know how I'm going to cope living here. Perhaps I won't. All your stuff will have to go. The apartment will have to go. I have to go. I'll go back home to Wales. I shall be by myself till I am called on. I will not disobey Dumbledore's order and go to see Harry. I know that if I was to see Harry, I would kidnap him. And it would be best if I didn't. I do not think I will ever see our pack's cub again.

And I will never speak to you again. I cannot. I will never forgive you. I will never forget.

And I will never stop loving you.

My heart is breaking, and yet I know I must go on. And I know I will love you beyond the day I die.


End file.
